Dark shadow

How do you describe a feeling that leaves you numb and void?
A great hole of nothing,
That overwhelmingly becomes a canyon.
Assaulted by a dark predator,
Hiding in the shadows,
Waiting until I am distracted enough to not notice his subtle following and attachment.
I recognise the signs earlier now,
But it still doesn't help me kick this unwanted stranger back to where he came from.

I wish I could say I am stronger this time,
But the pain of disappointment, that this has happened again, strikes me hard.
What I do know is that I have a friend,
Who with His strength I will conquer this time.
I know I am held in His hand and am comforted by His words.

This time the darkness will not own me.
It will not play Russian roulette with my life.
I will learn to defeat you, dark unpleasant shadow,
Because even though you may take my emotions and my enjoyment for life,
You will never take my spirit.

I know even when I can't feel,
That there is someone who loved me enough to die for me.
And because of this I know I will have the life I dream of.

I know that I am loved.
I know that I am precious.
I know that I am worthy.

This time you will not fool me with your lies, dark shadow.
You may cover me in darkness,
But I know my Son is coming.
I have hope,
Hope for a life that is worth more than gold or diamonds.
I am and will overcome you, dark shadow,
For I carry the Light within.

The Wizard of Oz

Some days I feel like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.

Some days my world is coloured.

Some days I find myself lost in grey.

Some days I feel like the world sparkles and I must have the magic shoes.

Some days I feel like some one is trying their best to take them away.

Some days I feel like I have a bunch of people around to support me.

Other days I feel all alone in this storm.

Some days I feel like some one is out to get me.

Some days I feel I have finally found the answers.

Then something or someone dashes my hopes and I find it wasn't what I expected.

But what I do know is that we are all in this together. All searching for something and together we can help make the journey a little easier.

Moss Stitch Shoes

 The pattern recommend a lightweight yarn blend that is between a 4-ply and a double knitting weight. Approximately 107m/50g ball.


To fit ages                          3-6         9-12            12-18 months

Materials - one 50g ball of wool (above is description of wool)
                    Pair 2.75mm (UK 12/ US 2) knitting needles

Tension - 28 sts and 46 rows to 10cm/4in square over moss st on 2.75mm needles.

Abbreviations - alt = alternate  dec = decrease  foll = following  in =inch(es)
                           inc = increase one st by working into front and back of stitch
                           K(k) = knit P(p) = purl  rem = remain  st(s) = stitch(es)
                           tog = together.

Moss stitch - 1st row [K1, p1] to end
                       2nd row [P1, k1] to end
                       These two rows form moss st on an even number of sts

to make - With 2.75mm needles, cast on 22(26:30) sts.
                  Moss st 1 row
                 Work in moss st and inc one st at each end of the next and every foll
                 alt row until there are 32(38:44) sts, work all increase sts in moss st,
                 so keeping the continuity of the pattern.
                 Dec one st at each end of next and every foll alt row until
                 22(26:30) sts rem.
                 Shape heel
                 Next row Cast on 5(6:7) sts by cable method, moss st these 5(6:7) sts,
                 then moss st to end. 27(32:37) sts.
                 Moss st 1 row
                 Inc one st at end of next row and 4(5:6) foll alt rows. 32(38:44) sts.
                 Moss st 1 row.
                 Next row Cast off 20(22:24) sts, moss st to last st, inc in last st.
                 13(17:21) sts.
                 Moss st 10(14:18) rows.
                 Next row Work 2tog, moss st to end.
                 Next row Cast on 20(22:24) sts by cable method, moss st these
                 20(22:24) sts, then moss st to end. 32(38:44) sts.
                 Dec one st at beg of next and 4(5:6) foll alt rows. 27(32:37) sts.
                 Moss st 1 row.
                 Cast off.


To make up - Join back seam. Join upper to sole all around, easing in fullness at
                       toes. Turn through to right side.

Lost in space

I sat down to write a moan about how I have been lost in the hospital system for the last two weeks. But after writing about 8 paragraphs and only being halfway through the first day, I decided that you all had plenty of other things and great posts to read/write. So the short version is I was in hospital with ?gallbladder, ?liver gone out of whack, ?gastritis, excruciating unexplained pain, idiot doctors who kept changing their minds, pain relief that was doing nothing for my pain and no rest thanks to 5 other people in my room with their visitors, snoring, sleep talking, nurses ect ect. I have had lots tests done and now have to wait until next Friday for an outpatient clinic for results. So I must say I would have rather been lost in space than ward 3!

My little Monkey #3 also had a small operation last Wednesday to bring down a testicle that hadn't descended on its own. I must say it was quite an experience in letting go, and putting your trust in someone other than his parents to care for him and keep him safe. The best part was how super cute he looked in his little hospital gown. He did amazingly well, instead it was me crying leaving the operating room! He hasn't been too phased by the whole process so I am glad we have had it done now, at eight months, when he is still soothed by cuddles and breast. Here are some pics from the day that make me so proud of my brave wee man.

Think the drugs were having an effect still!

You are so cute my little monkey xxx

I hope everyone else had a good few weeks and now I am taking the time to catch up on all the wonderful posts I have missed.

Some great pick me up's

On Sunday I was stuck down with a horrible tummy bug. I woke up feeling a bit sick and with a headache. I got the Hubby to bring me some panadol and let him do the morning kid routine, before he headed out to watch car racing. By 10am I had my head either stuck in the toilet or a bowl. It wasn't pleasant at all. As the day progressed I started to feel worse and worse. I was cold, then I was hot, I was being sick all the time, my head hurt, my back hurt. I do not do vomiting and nausea well, it probably has something to do with suffering for months on end with Hyperemesis gravidarum - a severe form of morning sickness - with all three of my pregnancies. I had texted the Hubby a couple of times to let him know I was dying and even tried to ring him, where a lovely computerised voice told me he had temporarily disconnected his phone! It seems this is what XT tells you when I phone isn't in service.

When he eventually (it felt like forever to me who was dying) came home later in the afternoon he found me half dead on the couch and told me he hadn't  got my messages until he was heading back into civilisation - as racing was in the outback somewhere. He then took over the household as I had managed to put tea on in the crockpot earlier in the morning and get some washing hung out. I remained couch or bed ridden only moving to the bathroom to spew some more. Hubby then took yesterday off too to look after me and the kids as I was feeling completely wiped out from the 24 hour bug. The weird thing is I haven't been in contact with anyone with a bug and I got it not the kids? Usually a vomiting bug hits the kids but never comes near the adults in our house.

Today I am still lacking in appetite but am feeling loads better. I have a fun filled evening planned with some friends and I wasn't going to miss out on it for anything.

So here is what I have made for tonight:

Yummy carrot cake with cream cheese icing ( recipe added to what's cooking)


And I have also finish sewing up the first little knitted shoe I have been making. I decided to make them for a friends daughter who is always bright in clothing and attitude. They are just adorable!

If any one is keen for the pattern I can put it up for you, just leave me a comment and I will get it up :) They come in size 3-6, 9-12, & 12-18 months and are worked in one piece in moss stitch then you just sew up. Very quick and easy!

Glad to say we are finally enjoying week two of the holiday with some lovely spring weather. Saturday we managed to take the kids for a picnic lunch, last night was a beach walk before tea and tonight we are planning fish and chips at the beach. I love the warmth of the sun and how inspiring it is to get out and weed the garden, or mow the lawn, or wash the car. Hope everyone is enjoying the beautiful sunshine for the holidays?

Crazy? Most likely.....

After a full on week of spring cleaning everything finally came crashing down on Saturday. It was perhaps that I had set myself a huge task for the day of sorting through the bedroom, mowing the lawns, the endless washing pile and sorting through some stuff in the shed. What happened next was I looked in the mirror and found this red cheeked, birdnest hair woman and I was like Oh Dear!

This was the beginning of the end. Next thing I know I am in a foul mood, storming around the house complaining about how awful I look and that I hate my hair and my skin. I have found since being on my anti-depressants that my skin is quite red and dry in patches. It's not over bad, it just annoys me some days.

I said something along the line to Hubby about being awful and hating my hair, where he tried to reassure me it was all fine. This made me madder, as I was certain I looked like a woman who had been lost in the bush for several weeks. I stomped off to my room and proceeded to cut all my hair off (this isn't quite as bad as it sounds as I have been known to cut my own hair often) to the shortest it has been in about 3 years. The Hubby came down to the room where I had disappeared, with a look of shock in his eyes said something about my hair being quite short. This made things worse! This is where the hiding under the covers of the bed and crying began, for about 45 minutes! Hubby kept asking what was wrong and eventually I managed to get out that I hated what I had just done to my hair.

Then he said well I better get ready to go out as we were heading to his mums for dinner. Oh crap! That's right, I had to go in public with this complete over-reaction that I had taken! I tried on a hat, putting it different ways. Truth is the hat looked worse than the cut. So I decided to just get over it and stop letting it ruin my night.

Next thing you know Mother in Law is complementing my cut. I thought maybe it's not so bad after all. Next day at church everyone who commented was lovely and it has now grown on me. I really like it and feel like its a good change for me. But am I crazy?? I still think yes. What kind of person reacts to bad hair by chopping it all off? I'm the only one I know. But we are meant to be individuals aren't we?

From this......

To this.....

What's wrong with me?

For the last few days I have been feeling super motivated and have been enjoying doing more than just the day to day housework. I feel inspired to wash my net curtains, scrub my window sills, put away all the clutter that has just been looming with no place to live, dust, rearrange the house, make new dinners, make play dough for the kids etc etc.

I really am beginning to wonder if I have caught something?? I do like things in their place and clean but not this bad lol. I have even organised a coffee morning at my house, I never do my house, always somewhere else!

But I must say it feels good and I feel better than I have in a long while. In the last 3 days I have forgotten to take my anti-depressants at breakfast and usually I can feel I haven't had them, but not in the last few days. I have had them when I remember but am starting to wonder if the other things i am putting in place to help me cope are actually starting to work. My goal was always to use the meds until I was ready to try natural instead, so maybe I'm heading for another goal soon? It really is amazing how as you achieve small steps you gain your confidence to try something else, and when you get knocked back it's not such a big deal.

The only grumble I have is the weather! Its either raining or too windy for washing. So not enjoying the inside drying racks taking up all my clutter-free, tidy space. Please spring bring us some nice sunshine soon.