Wisdom in a weak moment

Yesterday during a crisis moment I found myself reading something that I can't keep to myself. I have been thinking about it all day and I have to share it with you all. Let me say it challenged some of my thinking and I wonder whether it might yours too.

Is It Possible to Marry the Wrong Person?

Marriages aren't like cars--you can't get a lemon and you can't trade in for a newer model. 

Q: Do you think that it is possible to marry the wrong person, like when you marry right out of high school, for reasons other than love, never be happy with your marriage, and only years later find the person that you really love and were meant to be with? How could this be allowed to happen?
--Regretful

Dear Regretful,
I do not believe that you can marry the "wrong person." I am a great believer that life is pre-ordained and meaningful, and thus we are destined to be with the one person who completes us.

If, as you seem to believe, you have in fact "married the wrong person," then follow your logic. You also have the wrong children. You have all the wrong friends, and you have made contact with all the wrong people. You are living the wrong life.

Nothing is as destructive to a marriage than the belief that our life choices are accidental, that the people who come into our sphere are coincidental, or that life is capricious and unplanned. To think this way means that we are all interchangeable, that any one relationship is just like another, and that a marriage is not really worth working for.

On the other hand, a feeling of predestination, that you were meant to be before you ever actually were, is the belief that gives us the stamina and will to make a marriage work. The belief itself becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Our mate is not like a garment worthy of exchange. On the contrary, they are ours and meant to be ours and worth the work that it takes to keep them ours.

Remember: There is no such thing as an innately "happy marriage." Marriages are re-created every day. They follow a course that is often bumpy and always unpredictable. The belief that you "married the wrong person" is nothing more than an excuse designed to release yourself from the effort and energy it takes to weather the bumps and make a marriage work.

The secret to love is this: You can make it happen. Love is an acquired taste, like wine or classical music. For example, I never enjoyed drinking red wine. But I wanted to learn to appreciate it. I took the time to recognize its variations and subtleties. That simple decision--that I wanted to like it--allowed me to become aware of the riches that it held for me. Take a similar approach to your marriage. Accept the challenge of learning to treasure the person you're married to. You will find that this person holds great riches that you never suspected were there.

In regards to this "other person": With cars and with people, it is always easier to fall for a new model. Like a new car, they are free of the scratches, the paint chips, and the little dents that characterize the old model we have been driving around for the past several years. But cars are meant to be traded in; husbands are not.

Marriage is a commitment. If you do not invest fully and completely in that commitment, you are cheating your marriage. By even considering the idea of a life with this "other person," you are undermining the vows you made.

As long as you keep looking for that newer model, you will never be content. You are probably quick to respond, "But I wasn't looking! This person just appeared in my life." Even if you didn't think you were actively looking, simply by responding to the stimulus of this other person, you are, in essence, actively looking. You will be distracted, your mind will be focused on impressing another rather than impressing your husband, and there will be no reason to try to fix the problems that are troubling your marriage right now.

Decide to commit, Regretful. Decide to discover why it is you are with the person you are with. Decide to rediscover your spouse, rather than discover a new mate. Decide to be happy.

Read more: http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Relationships/Marriage/Is-It-Possible-To-Marry-The-Wrong-Person.aspx?p=2#ixzz1Rr2eOUw4

Interesting eh? What are your thoughts?

Completely irrational but....

I am really struggling at the moment with a sense of "not enough". No matter what I do, to me, it doesn't seem good enough, or enough done. Like this morning it's 10 am and I have one at school, one at kindy, one in bed, the washing is done, the dishes are done, the vacuuming is done, the ironing is done, the phone calls I had to make are done. But I can't seem to shift this feeling of restlessness that there is still more I could do or should do.

I know when I think about it rationally that I have already achieved so much today and my house is clean, tidy and inviting. BUT the big but is still there. So I am asking myself where this comes from. What inside me tells me this? What are my core beliefs? What are the coulds, shoulds, and have to's that I am letting rule my life?

On examining this on a deeper level I have come to the conclusion that my core belief really is that I will never be good enough, that there is always I higher level of achievement that I am missing the mark on. So where does the root of this belief come from? That one I am struggling with. I know there are a few issues of childhood which could add to this. The fact my Dad was a perfectionist and had very high levels of standard and my mum was very determined and did everything herself without asking for help. And what do you know - the two combined together equals ME! I have such a high standard for everything that affects my everyday life. I can't let other people do things for me because one, it won't be the way I do it and two it is a weakness to ask for help. I know both of these statements are completely irrational but it's rooted so deep in there for me that I hadn't stopped to ask myself how this is working for me.

The truth of the matter is it isn't working. I can't rest and relax as I don't ever feel like I have done enough to deserve the break. So how do I break the cycle of everything must be perfect, that enough work equals the right to relax, that my way is the right way? I know that identifying it is a start but the where to next is the hard part, as it will challenge every rule my life hangs by. Core beliefs really make or break us, especially maladaptive ones. I know my parents never meant for there well-meaning tidiness and determination to end with a child who is so critical of herself and scared to ask for help. But I know this is how I perceived it and it was a misperception.

But along the way other things have added to this belief. I remember getting my school certificate marks and feeling good about achieving passes in all 6 subjects. I got 83% as my top mark and my Grandfather jokingly asked what happened to the other 17%. I know that was a point in my life where I really took on board that I must struggle to achieve more. There have also been other incidents where I have asked for help and really felt that it has instead been turned around to something I have done or haven't done and I really adopted the attitude that just do it yourself, don't bother involving other people.

I know my hubby struggles with doing jobs or something nice for me as it is never good enough. I don't want to be this horrible person who people can't please so they would rather hide from me and give up altogether. As this leads to my next issue where I end up exhausted from doing everything myself and annoyed that no one every does anything nice for me, and on goes this horrible cycle. But why would they bother when it isn't going to be right anyway. So not only have I tainted myself with this horrible expectation, but I also put it upon the people I care about most. And rational response tells me that everything doesn't have to be perfect and that I'm putting way to much pressure on myself, husband, kids, family and friends. Although family  and friends probably don't know the extent of this as I wouldn't ask for the help or let them know if what they had done had let me down. I protect them but my family that lives under this roof know the full monster that controls my life.

God has been challenging me on this area too. As even He doesn't expect us to be perfect, so why should I be so hard on myself for this reason. He wants us to have vision and motivation and live an abundant life but never does He require from us perfection. That's why He offers us His grace and forgiveness.

So for now my journey is about being aware and changeling these core beliefs that are correct or working for me. It's definitely a hard this to do, but identifying it is the first step. next comes the vision of what I want to be instead, then the plan and doing it.

The list experiment

The list is something that holds all of the days tasks and jobs as I see need doing. The list isn't physical, it is mentally held in my head. The list is always changing and updating as the environment around me changes. If the children need something done, depending on the urgency, is where it fits into the list. The problem for me at the moment is I come at the bottom of the list. As the day progresses more and more things fill my invisible list and I never make it to the last task - which is me.

I have been learning a bit about self care and needing to take the time to do things for yourself. This is very challenging for me. Something inside me get anxious and nervous if I put me before doing what I see is on the list. I feel like I am cheating if I take time for me before the washing is done, or the lounge is tidy, or the dishes are put away. If I take the time to sit down before my list is complete all I do is sit there feeling guilty about the things I should be doing or the time I am wasting that could be more efficiently used.

But my challenge is to put me near the top of the list and learn to overcome the bad feelings I associate with this. So for a week my goal is to do something for myself, leaving something else that is on the list aside. I know that just thinking about this makes me worry as I feel the nerves build. But unless I make myself a priority I won't have the time to take a mental break towards wellness and other people will also expect that I will always put them first. Sometimes it is important to do things for other people but I am learning it should never be at the expense of your own well being.

So today I did some yoga and Pilate's before I hung up the washing (yes I will admit that before I did take the time I had already put the washing on, done the dishes, tidied the lounge, given the kids breakfast) but it is a start right? I left the washing, and what do you know, the world didn't fall apart. The washing was still waiting for me when I finished.

So this afternoon I once again took some time for myself to test the theory again (that the world wouldn't end if I did something for me without completing my mental list). I took some time to do some scrapbooking for Monkey number 3. I completed his birth page and his first month - so another two things off my scrapbook list but not off my household chores.

It is now time to start feeding time at the zoo, followed by bath and bedtime. But before I started I wanted to let you know about my experiment and let you know I would love to keep you up-to-date over the week that follows. I am also challenging you to look at where you put yourself and to take some time for self care over the next week with me.