Encamping, discarding, listening and repositioning

Over the last few weeks I have really felt like things had fallen apart. I wasn't in a good place and I didn't know what was happening in my head. I felt like all the progress I had made up until this point had simply fallen away and I couldn't seem to find any of it again. I have struggled how to share this, as I felt defeated. A few months back I was claiming my victory and now I find myself here. It has taken me a while to realise that I was being pursued by an enemy who would rather have me feel down and beaten, than having the sight to realise that my battle is a daily process.

I found myself back in the doctors office 2 weeks ago feeling that ever familiar drag of depression. I was back to the emotion state that was unable to control myself or bring myself to function. Of course the doctors first words were, "you came off your anti-depressants too soon and this is expected". Failed again! Was all that was going through my mind. So out of his office I walk, feeling defeated and with a script written for Effexor again. For two days I wrestled with the idea of taking the pills again. On one hand I remember the pain of getting off effexor and the sense of victory I felt after doing so (as I wrote about here) and on the other hand I had my doctor telling me that it was too soon, that I now fell into the category of relapse and should probably be prepared for a good stay with effexor.  I let the enemy have some ground, I felt defeated and like I had failed God.

I began to try to remember good things about Effexor, it had worked quickly when I first started it and I also had the effect of decreasing my appetite, which meant I lost weight while on it - and I really wanted to fit back into the jeans I purchased while I was on Effexor. So two days later I started my dose of 37.5mg to slow wean back on. Amazingly throughout all the lies the enemy was throwing at me and telling me about myself, God never stopped speaking too. I just needed to learn to hear Him and only Him again.

Battles are won and victories are made but we still have to hold our ground. My past is my process which means it's not just one day going to all miraculously disappear, no matter how hard I wish it would. Over the past few weeks God has been talking to me through a Brooke Fraser song, although at the time I thought I was just enjoying my personal taste in music. It talks about a journey that I feel like I have been on lately but it also tells of how I need to position my heart through it all.

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
toward a home land that I've never seen
I am changing:

less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when i began
 

and i have sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day

[CHORUS]
when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you

Theres distraction buzzing in my head
saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumours of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way

[CHORUS]

when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you

You make all things new

[CHORUS]

when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you

[CHORUS 2]
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you

Another thing that God showed me was that some times we just need to stop and camp.

I am on a journey up the mountain but that doesn't mean that it is always going to be easy. When you look at a physical climb of a mountain you hear of people having to camp down from the weather at times.
It was like God showed me it is ok to need to encamp.
I had thought that I was losing ground and that I had started a backwards stumble in the last few weeks but He showed me that sometimes we need to get out of the weather, hide away and refocus, but no ground has to be lost. I need to stand on the victories I have already won but I might also need to stop and remind myself of them and how I got there some days. I must make a shift in my heart position. Retreating is no longer an option, but that doesn't mean staying put isn't some times needed. As I gaze on God, it is Him who will help me to become impervious to the winds around me.

My prayer lately has been 'God let me see you everywhere and in everything, leave your markers and your trail in my life'. He then challenged me on being careful what I pray for because as I ask Him to be more present He requires me to look for Him more. As I began to open my spirit to His speaking it is amazing what you hear.

While reading Helen's blog a few days ago I found God speaking to me about the everyday routine of my life. How He wants to help me to dignify the mundane of the routine of being a housewife and mum. Helen spoke about looking for beauty in everyday things and how often we lose sight of this and get annoyed at the mundane-ness of our day to day life.  In no way am I about to become a Buddhist, but that doesn't mean that when I am tuned into the frequencies of God that He can't speak to me through one.
So how do I dignify my mundane? I ask God to show me how to enjoy and see the beauty of the role He has called me to be in. I ask for His sight and His joy. I ask for His list of what is important for me today - not mine. It's a refocusing of my gaze from things that seem so boring and routine, to Him, the creator of it all. The one who has nothing but good planned for me.

While watching T.v. the other night God also gave me a real practical task to work on while I encamped for a few more days. I saw this ad and it's titled Only What you need - Yes it is a beer ad and I'm not saying that was what God was endorsing but more that when you search for Him you can find Him everywhere if you are listening.
At one point of the journey one of the men has to decide between taking his bug spray or beer to the the next stage with him, both to him served a purpose but he had to choose. God showed me that while I am encamped it is a good time to look at lightening the load and taking only what I need with me, but that sometimes this may be a hard choice as there might be things that both seem to be relevant and of good worth but there may come a point when I need to shed some stuff that I deem valid for the journey.

At the same time I came off Effexor in December 2010 I also decided not to have my Depo-Provera shot I was due for.
 I really felt at the time that a large part of my depression had been linked to my hormones and that the Depo was not helping. So after discussing with the Hubby I came off and have been letting my body readjust to natural cycles. I knew this would take some time but it was until the other day that I realised since Feb when my menstrual cycle finally returned that I have had 6 or 7 periods! I had read that it takes some time to readjust the body and get the hormones back to the right levels so I had just put up with it.
But what I hadn't taken into account was the amount of hormone imbalance that was still going on not to mention the vitamins and minerals that I would be lacking in due to the frequency of my periods. They also had been lasting 10 - 14 days and heavy throughout. All this I thought normal to coming off the depo. 

Then it was like God turned on a light and said maybe there are some valid reasons to your lack of energy, your emotions and the symptoms of depression. That was the answer I needed. I hadn't lost my victory but I had failed to ask for new answers from the One who gives it to me. I had symptoms of depression - not depression! And what do you know, symptoms of depression are caused by a wide range of things including Iron, vitamin B12, Zinc, Vitamin D deficiencies, which are also caused by heavy menstrual flows....
Hmmmm.....
That got me thinking and researching and praying and praying and praying. Thank you Lord for still speaking even when I used my own rational thinking, to be bullied by the enemy, back into anti-depressants.

At the moment I am on day 8 of a period after maybe 4 or 5 days between finishing a 14 day one. So yesterday I took myself down to the health store and got myself a bottle of 5HTP (which I used as a natural aternative to anti-d's when I decided to come off in December as it helps with the natural production of serotonin) and also came away with some iron tablets and progesterone drops, which are a homeopathic medicine, after speaking with the lady in store. She also gave me a hand out on iron and B12 which fit the symptoms I have been experiencing including why my skin is so different lately and why my nails are so brittle, not to mention the tiredness, headaches, weakness, fatigue, poor memory, mood swings, depression, etc, etc.

So all in all I must give the glory to the One who wont give up on me, even when I give up on myself.

I am also nearing the completion stages of Jaybugs knitted jacket and hope to have it finished by the end of the week. I also plan on a post in the next day or two about my adventures with crochet, the book I am excitedly awaiting the arrival of, and the biggest crochet confusion discovery I made the other night, where all things suddenly fell into place and made sense!

Failing Forward

I have been thinking for a number of weeks now about when the right time to blog about what has been happening over the last few months. I hadn't felt that I was ready or had completely processed what I needed to, until today. So today I let you in to what has been my own personal nightmare of late.

As you would know reading my earlier posts that I have had a decent struggle with Post-natal depression over the last 8 months or so. But about earlier November I had a bit crash with my depression. I felt like I was right back to square one. All the hard work I had put in felt like it disappeared overnight. One morning I woke up and the world was just black again. The difference is this time there was no slow progression through blue to grey to black, everything was just suddenly dark.

I saw my psychiatrist and she agreed that I wasn't in a good mental place and increased my venlafaxine from 75m/g to 150m/g as she said I was on a low dose and 150m/g was a more therapeutic dose. But what happened wasn't me getting any better, I just got more and more disconnected from the world around me. As you would see I stopped blogging, and almost reading other blogs altogether.

I became a robot in our home. I could achieve the tasks I needed to but there was no 'me' behind any of it. I couldn't care less whether I saw anyone or spoke to anyone. It got to the point where I could see the hurt my numbness was causing, especially the hubby and children, but the meds had me in this point where I could feel the pain. I shrugged it off as their problem and one I couldn't give two hoots about. But at the same time I knew something wasn't right with me and I found myself in that place where it just seemed the best answer was to cease existing. I knew it would hurt my family but I believed that I was already doing so much emotional damage that what did it matter. I was blessed to have a God who put the right people in the right places at the right times.

The most amazing thing was through all the lies that were being whispered in my ear I had a God who was prepared to keep shouting at me, even if it was the same thing over and over again. My God loved me enough that He was going to keep following me down the same road time and time again.

After about 3 weeks on the increased dose I really felt God say that He was my healer and that He was strong enough. It didn't matter where I was at or that the doctors were saying at least 18 months of meds. My God was big enough. So I talked it over with the hubby  and then with our church eldership. I knew that if I was going to get off my meds I needed spiritual back up because I was about to declare war on all the lies that have held me in bondage -  for what I am now realising it about 14 years. 

I had been referred to a blog to read to see if I could find something that would give me hope. It was Princess Warrior Lessons. Here I found hope that my depression was beatable. I found nuggets of gold that my God was big enough and strong enough for me to not only survive this episode of my life, but that He would also turn it around for His glory. I learned to see this time as my working space. A time where God was challenging me not only on being closer to Him but actually allowing Him to have full reign in this messy, messy place, which has been my life for far too long.

The one thing that I told myself was that I needed more time on my meds to get prepared and to put things in place before I looked at coming off them. Princess Warrior had a old post I'm ok....... really where she wrote about her tears not being wasted. That the fruit she would see was her descendants free from depression and the chain broken in her family. And the one thing I held onto was a statement she made - 'the depression stops with me. It goes no further.' God really used this to speak to me. I was no longer fighting this battle of depression for me. It wasn't about me not having to deal with it anymore. It was about me coming to the place where I declared spiritual war. It was about my children and my grandchildren and all my descendants to come, to never ever be in this place where I am. It was time for the spiritual bondage of depression to be broken once and for all from my family line. I am a third generation (that I know of) dealing with mental illness. It has had a serious hold on my family and made a serious mess of a lot of people's lives. God really showed me that I needed to make the stand that this wasn't going any further.

After four weeks on the increased dose my psychiatrist was able to see things were worse not better. She made the call to slowly wean me off the venlafaxine and start a new anti-depressant mirtazapine. The first night I took it I felt like I had been sedated. I couldn't function the next day. The second night I took it was worse. I had out of this world dreams, I could tell you about the colors of them, what they smelled like and tasted like. I physically couldn't get out of bed until 11am and when I did I was tripping. All I wanted to do was eat, then I had a shower and the water felt different. I was as high as a kite! Talking to other people they have likened the experience to LSD. It was at this point that I did some research on the new meds and found - thanks to Wikipedia - that Mirtazapine has also occasionally been reported to cause mild hallucinogenic effects in some patients, including mental imagery, auditory and visual hallucinations. Most of these side effects are generally mild and become less prominent over time. My immediate thought was what was this medication going to do to my brain that the hallucinations would lessen. What parts was it going to kill for it to no longer effect me like this?

 It was at this point that I made the decision that there was no more chances with meds. Now was the time to come off and fight this battle - not in flesh but in spirit. Yes my flesh was going to feel it hard but ultimately this was going to be a battle for my life and the lives of generations to come.

I also started to understand why the medications weren't working as all they did was suppress my personality, they did nothing for the spiritual battle that was being fought for my life. So with the guidance of our elders and my husband in agreement I went to my psychiatrist with a plan. I would continue to decrease my venlafaxine until I was completely off them and I would not be taking the mirtazapine either. I would take a good omega 3, and also see the health shop for other things that would support my mental health without clouding my mind. I would continue with my psychologist to work on strategies to deal with my moods. But most of all that I had a strong network of people supporting me who understood what I had been going through and were prepared to be there for what was to come. My psychiatrist couldn't see a reason not to go ahead with this plan. In-fact she was very supportive (quite clearly God had paved the way). She was in such agreement that she talked to me about her research into alternative therapy and her support for it. She agreed to see me a month after I had finished my meds, where usually protocol is to discharge as you are no longer being medicated by them.

As I decreased the dose I got quite severe tremors as the medication left my body. As it got to the last week of pills I was still focused on my goal of being medication free but it was starting to get harder. I got sick with a head cold with major sinus headaches. The kids got viruses and things were just ugly in our house. But I reminded myself we had taken a spiritual stand and we were being attacked. I had experienced strange dizzy feelings like I was about to pass out all the time in the last few days of pills. But  I wasn't prepared for what was to come.

Saturday 18th December was my first day medication free and it went from bad to worse very, very quickly. I was shaking and feeling physically sick, my head was spinning, I had massive headaches, I felt  like I was going to fall over, my concentration was completely shot. But the worst part was my temper. Things could be going along fine and then something would happen or someone would say something and I would just see red. I felt like I wanted to throw the kids through the window or at the wall. I just couldn't explain where it came from. I was just so so angry and I felt it to my very core.

Sunday I went to church and when people tried to speak to me I had to hold back tears. I was an emotional mess. I sat there wondering who's bright idea it had been to stop the meds as it was so much worse not on them. It was at this point wikipedia came in handy again. I found that venlafaxine was classed as one of the worse under SSRI discontinuation syndrome. Finally I had some answers to what my body was going through, I just couldn't understand why nobody had told me this? I didn't feel capable to look after myself, let alone three children.  It was three days from hell. 

I managed by the Tuesday to get into Hardy's health store and explain what I was going through to one of the nice ladies in the store. She put me on to 5htp which is a serotonin manager, helping your body to make and balance it instead of stopping its production as the ssri's had. She explained why I was all over the place, as my brain was trying to figure out how to function again. I also got some tran-Q which is amazing. She gave me some in-store to try and it was like some one had just lifted weights from my shoulders. I have been using it for the last week at bed time as one thing I had found was my insomnia had returned since coming off the meds. It really help shut down my brain so I can just drift straight off to sleep.

The most amazing thing of all has been how much God has spoken to me in the last few weeks. It has been more than any other time of my life. I truly believe that it was in taking that first step of faith to let go and trust Him to be my all. He has shown me how much I have actually learned over the past year. That in taking away my control (as I am a over-capable person usually) I had to learn to rely on Him and other people. I had to learn that I couldn't change me and shape my destiny in my own strength. God has shown me that with my obedience He has taken what has been a really crappy year and turned it around for good. I am in such a better place now, going through what I have. Yes it's been hard, crap, tough. I have been a crappy friend, wife and mother. But God's grace has picked me up and seen me through. He has shown me that in those dark dark places I wasn't actually walking backwards. Yes it was two steps back, one step forward. But the beauty was with Him there was still forward movement. I have gotten to the place where God can refine and process me, as it is only with Him that I have made it through this past year.

2011 for me holds so much hope and excitement and I am happy to know that with God on my side that even in my failing there is forward motion. That's why I am failing forward and learning to rely on His strength, His words, His grace, His love, His compassion. Because as capable as I am I can't do what He wants me to in my own strength. 2011 for me is a line in the sand. I will no longer live my life as I have in the past. All I have to do is provide God with the environment and He will do the rest. Mark 4:26-28 has really spoken to me.

 

²⁶ He also said, “This is what the kingdom of God is like.

A man scatters seed on the ground. 

²⁷ Night and day, whether he sleeps or gets up,

the seed sprouts and grows,

though he does not know how.  

²⁸ All by itself the soil produces grain

— first the stalk, then the head,

then the full kernel in the head.

 

There is always spiritual growth occurring in my life - even when I can't see it. While sleeping and walking (normal life) GOD is causing things to sprout and grow. This parable shows that the sower only needed to provide the environment and the rest just happens - though we know not how. God wants to do it all by Himself. It's not my job to fix me. When I am stressed I get in God's way to do it all by Himself. What pressure it takes off me to know I don't have to do anything more than provide good ground and God will do the rest. My capabilities are not needed when God is growing something in my life - phew! God's divine grace is all I need. 

Redefining grace - 

Grace is unexplainable stuff

coming from the divine realm,

directly into our lives to 

produce the impossible.

Thank God for His grace because things feel pretty impossible most of the time, but it's okay because He has it all figured out.

M.I.A

Oh blog I do know it has been a long, long time. There is so much going on that I just don't know where to start or how to explain it all. All I know is I do miss you and I am sorry for all the time I have left you alone but things are a little (a lot really) messy at the moment. Life is very up and down, mostly down. I do hope to sit down and have a proper chat really soon. xxx

Dark shadow

How do you describe a feeling that leaves you numb and void?
A great hole of nothing,
That overwhelmingly becomes a canyon.
Assaulted by a dark predator,
Hiding in the shadows,
Waiting until I am distracted enough to not notice his subtle following and attachment.
I recognise the signs earlier now,
But it still doesn't help me kick this unwanted stranger back to where he came from.

I wish I could say I am stronger this time,
But the pain of disappointment, that this has happened again, strikes me hard.
What I do know is that I have a friend,
Who with His strength I will conquer this time.
I know I am held in His hand and am comforted by His words.

This time the darkness will not own me.
It will not play Russian roulette with my life.
I will learn to defeat you, dark unpleasant shadow,
Because even though you may take my emotions and my enjoyment for life,
You will never take my spirit.

I know even when I can't feel,
That there is someone who loved me enough to die for me.
And because of this I know I will have the life I dream of.

I know that I am loved.
I know that I am precious.
I know that I am worthy.

This time you will not fool me with your lies, dark shadow.
You may cover me in darkness,
But I know my Son is coming.
I have hope,
Hope for a life that is worth more than gold or diamonds.
I am and will overcome you, dark shadow,
For I carry the Light within.

What's wrong with me?

For the last few days I have been feeling super motivated and have been enjoying doing more than just the day to day housework. I feel inspired to wash my net curtains, scrub my window sills, put away all the clutter that has just been looming with no place to live, dust, rearrange the house, make new dinners, make play dough for the kids etc etc.

I really am beginning to wonder if I have caught something?? I do like things in their place and clean but not this bad lol. I have even organised a coffee morning at my house, I never do my house, always somewhere else!

But I must say it feels good and I feel better than I have in a long while. In the last 3 days I have forgotten to take my anti-depressants at breakfast and usually I can feel I haven't had them, but not in the last few days. I have had them when I remember but am starting to wonder if the other things i am putting in place to help me cope are actually starting to work. My goal was always to use the meds until I was ready to try natural instead, so maybe I'm heading for another goal soon? It really is amazing how as you achieve small steps you gain your confidence to try something else, and when you get knocked back it's not such a big deal.

The only grumble I have is the weather! Its either raining or too windy for washing. So not enjoying the inside drying racks taking up all my clutter-free, tidy space. Please spring bring us some nice sunshine soon.

Completely irrational but....

I am really struggling at the moment with a sense of "not enough". No matter what I do, to me, it doesn't seem good enough, or enough done. Like this morning it's 10 am and I have one at school, one at kindy, one in bed, the washing is done, the dishes are done, the vacuuming is done, the ironing is done, the phone calls I had to make are done. But I can't seem to shift this feeling of restlessness that there is still more I could do or should do.

I know when I think about it rationally that I have already achieved so much today and my house is clean, tidy and inviting. BUT the big but is still there. So I am asking myself where this comes from. What inside me tells me this? What are my core beliefs? What are the coulds, shoulds, and have to's that I am letting rule my life?

On examining this on a deeper level I have come to the conclusion that my core belief really is that I will never be good enough, that there is always I higher level of achievement that I am missing the mark on. So where does the root of this belief come from? That one I am struggling with. I know there are a few issues of childhood which could add to this. The fact my Dad was a perfectionist and had very high levels of standard and my mum was very determined and did everything herself without asking for help. And what do you know - the two combined together equals ME! I have such a high standard for everything that affects my everyday life. I can't let other people do things for me because one, it won't be the way I do it and two it is a weakness to ask for help. I know both of these statements are completely irrational but it's rooted so deep in there for me that I hadn't stopped to ask myself how this is working for me.

The truth of the matter is it isn't working. I can't rest and relax as I don't ever feel like I have done enough to deserve the break. So how do I break the cycle of everything must be perfect, that enough work equals the right to relax, that my way is the right way? I know that identifying it is a start but the where to next is the hard part, as it will challenge every rule my life hangs by. Core beliefs really make or break us, especially maladaptive ones. I know my parents never meant for there well-meaning tidiness and determination to end with a child who is so critical of herself and scared to ask for help. But I know this is how I perceived it and it was a misperception.

But along the way other things have added to this belief. I remember getting my school certificate marks and feeling good about achieving passes in all 6 subjects. I got 83% as my top mark and my Grandfather jokingly asked what happened to the other 17%. I know that was a point in my life where I really took on board that I must struggle to achieve more. There have also been other incidents where I have asked for help and really felt that it has instead been turned around to something I have done or haven't done and I really adopted the attitude that just do it yourself, don't bother involving other people.

I know my hubby struggles with doing jobs or something nice for me as it is never good enough. I don't want to be this horrible person who people can't please so they would rather hide from me and give up altogether. As this leads to my next issue where I end up exhausted from doing everything myself and annoyed that no one every does anything nice for me, and on goes this horrible cycle. But why would they bother when it isn't going to be right anyway. So not only have I tainted myself with this horrible expectation, but I also put it upon the people I care about most. And rational response tells me that everything doesn't have to be perfect and that I'm putting way to much pressure on myself, husband, kids, family and friends. Although family  and friends probably don't know the extent of this as I wouldn't ask for the help or let them know if what they had done had let me down. I protect them but my family that lives under this roof know the full monster that controls my life.

God has been challenging me on this area too. As even He doesn't expect us to be perfect, so why should I be so hard on myself for this reason. He wants us to have vision and motivation and live an abundant life but never does He require from us perfection. That's why He offers us His grace and forgiveness.

So for now my journey is about being aware and changeling these core beliefs that are correct or working for me. It's definitely a hard this to do, but identifying it is the first step. next comes the vision of what I want to be instead, then the plan and doing it.

Feeling blue

Over the weekend and last two days the kids have been still sick with coughs and runny noses not letting up. I must admit that the children's grumpiness has taken a toll on me. I have been feeling pretty exhausted having to meet the demands of troll children. I really doesn't take a lot anymore for me to find that I have turned blue again. I am trying to learn to catch it at blue and not let it progress to grey, or at worst, black.

But it truly is a struggle. I feel myself going blue and I'm not sure I have the energy to stop it. I find myself rolled up in a ball on the couch with a blanket, wishing that the world would just stop it's demands on me. I yell at the children for adding to my already piling list in my head. I then have to deal with the heart wrenching guilt that follows my attitude with the kids. When do I get to enjoy life again? It is so unfair to have my joy ripped from underneath me again. I though this would get easier, but it seems like every time it creeps back in again I beat myself up for not protecting myself better. My eyes feel like they are red-rimmed from crying, enough though I haven't been. I just feel completely disengaged from the world. I don't want to make everything about me, but I don't know how to focus myself elsewhere at the moment.

It hurts like a physical ache. My eyes hurt, my head whirls with pain, my tummy is doing constant flips. I just want things to be easier. I don't want to feel like hiding in my house, avoiding the world. But that is exactly what I find myself doing right now. Yesterday I didn't even argue when monkey #1 asked to stay home from school, as it meant I could quietly hide in my corner of my comfort - home. Everything and everyone irritates me at the moment. I don't understand why this all goes with depression? I feel like I am becoming a horrible grumpy old man who yells at people for stepping on my grass.

The self care is out the window. I am struggling to get the chores done again so that I don't have a weeks worth of washing and dishes piling up. All I want to do is sleep. Maybe this is my way of hiding from the real world and checking out of reality for a little while? I just want it to get better, to not feel this horrible empty feeling anymore, that drags me through blue to grey to black. How did I get to this point where my life is run on auto pilot? Where I feel no emotion for what is happening around me. All I want is a bit of sunshine now and then to remind me that the world can be a fun place to still be.

The good, the bad and the ugly.

The good - Best friends who bring scrapbooking supplies over as a present and cheer up your grey day.

The other morning I arrived home after a hard morning that contained some difficult home truths. I was searching my brain all the way home as to how I would deal with the now every clear situation, when I pulled into my driveway to see a piece of scrapbook paper flying around. It was a really windy and I was wondering where on earth this paper had come from. And there on the step was a 12x12 box full of papers and stickers with a note to say it was a wee gift for me. That was the turning point of my day! Even though Helen is struggling with her own personal journey at the moment she still knows how to lift my spirit - with scrapping supplies.

The bad - The awful rain after a beautiful spring day yesterday, children with hacking coughs that make me cringe at night while I lie in bed listening to them, making the choice to change something that has too greater side effects but then having to deal with not having the usefulness of it and sick children who are completely unable to be reasoned with.

I recently made the decision to come off my evening medication which was effective for helping me sleep and stopping the continual whirlpool of thoughts that flood my brain when I try to settle in bed for the night. The down side is it has been making me feel extremely exhausted throughout the day where all I want to do is crawl into a ball and hibernate. So I came to the decision that, what was the point in getting a full nights sleep (the meds blank me out until about 3 am to the point where I have conversations with my husband or get out of bed for the cat, or toilet, or drink and don't remember it) when in fact I'm not 100% sure if I have been asleep for the amount of time I thought I had and still feeling exhausted in the morning due to side effects. So I stopped them two nights ago and I have found that I do wake during the night and sometimes have found it hard to drift back off but I am trying to use mindfulness instead. This is where I shut down my thinking and isolate something like a noise I can hear like my breathing or a clock ticking and concentrate on that mindful not to let my thought drift anywhere else. It is more effective than I thought it would be, but also is hard work to change what has been a life long pattern for me of racing thoughts. So good point is I'm not so tired during the day, but it is taking some effort and new methods to settle my mind.

The ugly - Monkey number 3 waking at 3 am the last few nights. We have been having such a good roll with him that it's hard to drag yourself out of bed again when I haven't had to for a few weeks now. So I let him try to resettle himself for 15 minutes or so, the whole time in which I lie there feeling compelled to go and pick him up and cuddle him. I know crying for a short time is useful to teach children self-soothing but it also pulls at my heart to know he wants or needs me and I am leaving him. This once again starts the downward spiral to the thoughts of the neglectful mother, uncaring, unloving, ugly, ugly, ugly thoughts. I hate how depression jumps on you when your half asleep and mentally unprepared for a fight. I hate the ugliness of 3 am and the thoughts that linger with this time of night. The mind is such a powerful tool and yet it lands us in these horrible situations and plays these nasty tricks on us. I know in reality that I am not damaging my child but am giving him a tool that we can both appreciate in the future - the ability to sleep and sleep well. But it doesn't mean that logic exists at 3 am, instead there is this ugly depression still hiding in the shadows waiting for me to be off guard enough to creep in.

The uninvited guest

Over the last few days I have been a little more tired, grumpy, uninterested and irritable than usual. It wasn't until I was reading in bed last night that I realised it was the return of the uninvited guest. He sneaks up edging in, a little at a time, until once again I find myself in a place of hopelessness and self doubt.

There is no quick fix to PND, no amount of medication, therapy or groups will make it go away. It takes a willingness to work on it yourself and know that there will be good days and bad. Just when I thought everything was running along nicely the unwanted guest slips back in to my life. I certainly didn't ask him back, as the one thing I have consciously made a decision on is that, I will never get to that place again where my life is not worth the effort everyone else is having to make to keep me alive. The one thing I am positive about is I will live, and I will live even if it annoys everyone else. But that doesn't mean that it is any easier. It doesn't mean that the feelings of worthlessness, distress, or hopelessness go away. It just means that I'm willing to make an effort to manage them.

The best way to describe how I feel right now is like I have jumped off a cliff into the ocean without taking a proper look at what the water was like. I am struggling and fighting for air as I have been caught in a rip and I'm so, so tired of fighting against the oceans downward pull. As I get tired I stop for a moment and wonder if I could just give up and drown as I don't feel like I have any fight left. Then someone reaches out and offers some support and I catch my breath and start to restock. But as the hands start to let go I realise I am still in the cold, dark, wild ocean and I still have to fight. At this moment hope of being pulled to shore seems so far away that I can't imagine it even happening.

Depression is a struggle with the feelings you have inside even when you know that there is no valid justification to the feelings. I know I am a good mum, friend and wife. But depression some how fogs this over having me check and recheck myself as the feelings of self doubt flood my thinking. It is just so tiring to fight it sometimes, to keep putting my thinking back to the positive when the negative route is so well carved. I am struggling to find the reasons that I deserve to be happy and that I am worth some self care. Depression is the biggest liar you will ever meet. It tells you that you aren't worth the time, effort or money. That you aren't doing a good enough job to be appreciated and when someone over looks the things you do manage to struggle to do it reinforces the feelings of guilt and lack of worth.

So today I find myself arguing with the uninvited guest, telling him I never asked him to come visit. Asking that if he isn't leaving, to please find it in his heart to be kind to me this time. And asking God for the strength to face this again. I know I need to find a way to live with this unwelcome visitor as I will not let him own my life again but it is hard and it scares me. But I will live, even if it annoys everyone, that I am sure of. And even if that is all at this point in time, that is enough for today.

A blog in time

Well after what has been a lot of thought - mostly to talk myself out of it - I have decided that I will join the world of bloggers. For me this is a time to record the painstaking journey I find myself on at this stage of my life. I am currently a stay home mum of three and trying to find my peace with this. It has been something that has thrown me through a lot of up's and down's of late. How does one really come to grips and be happy being the taxi, maid, chef, nurse, babysitter, emotional minder of the household, wife, and still feel like a women who is sure and happy with her life?

I am currently in the recovery stage of some nasty PND (post-natal depression) and with the earthquake this has caused my life I am asking myself the hard questions:

Do I do something everyday that still makes me happy?
What are my goals for my life?
Do I let other people's expectations shape my decisions too much of what I choose?
Do I make my children feel emotionally supported?
Do I still smile at my husband everyday with the love that brought us together?
Am I processing my journey to find what I have learned and what I want to change?

The last question is what brings me here. I want a record for myself to see where I have been and how I got through. I want to see the development of myself when I can't seem to find the answer in my head for why I am doing this for yet another day. I want somewhere to remind me that life is about living and that means mistakes, laughter, tears, birthdays, deaths, doctors, medications, exercise, housework, cooking and finding out who I really am.