Friday, August 27, 2010

The uninvited guest

Over the last few days I have been a little more tired, grumpy, uninterested and irritable than usual. It wasn't until I was reading in bed last night that I realised it was the return of the uninvited guest. He sneaks up edging in, a little at a time, until once again I find myself in a place of hopelessness and self doubt.

There is no quick fix to PND, no amount of medication, therapy or groups will make it go away. It takes a willingness to work on it yourself and know that there will be good days and bad. Just when I thought everything was running along nicely the unwanted guest slips back in to my life. I certainly didn't ask him back, as the one thing I have consciously made a decision on is that, I will never get to that place again where my life is not worth the effort everyone else is having to make to keep me alive. The one thing I am positive about is I will live, and I will live even if it annoys everyone else. But that doesn't mean that it is any easier. It doesn't mean that the feelings of worthlessness, distress, or hopelessness go away. It just means that I'm willing to make an effort to manage them.

The best way to describe how I feel right now is like I have jumped off a cliff into the ocean without taking a proper look at what the water was like. I am struggling and fighting for air as I have been caught in a rip and I'm so, so tired of fighting against the oceans downward pull. As I get tired I stop for a moment and wonder if I could just give up and drown as I don't feel like I have any fight left. Then someone reaches out and offers some support and I catch my breath and start to restock. But as the hands start to let go I realise I am still in the cold, dark, wild ocean and I still have to fight. At this moment hope of being pulled to shore seems so far away that I can't imagine it even happening.

Depression is a struggle with the feelings you have inside even when you know that there is no valid justification to the feelings. I know I am a good mum, friend and wife. But depression some how fogs this over having me check and recheck myself as the feelings of self doubt flood my thinking. It is just so tiring to fight it sometimes, to keep putting my thinking back to the positive when the negative route is so well carved. I am struggling to find the reasons that I deserve to be happy and that I am worth some self care. Depression is the biggest liar you will ever meet. It tells you that you aren't worth the time, effort or money. That you aren't doing a good enough job to be appreciated and when someone over looks the things you do manage to struggle to do it reinforces the feelings of guilt and lack of worth.

So today I find myself arguing with the uninvited guest, telling him I never asked him to come visit. Asking that if he isn't leaving, to please find it in his heart to be kind to me this time. And asking God for the strength to face this again. I know I need to find a way to live with this unwelcome visitor as I will not let him own my life again but it is hard and it scares me. But I will live, even if it annoys everyone, that I am sure of. And even if that is all at this point in time, that is enough for today.


  1. This was beautifully written Jess. Your analogy of being in the ocean is exactly how I feel some days. It's so easy to get sucked under, swept further away from shore, left to drown in the feelings of guilt and hopelessness and worthlessness. But remember - God put you on this earth for a reason, you are worthy, and you WILL find a way to live with the uninvited guest. You're one of the strongest people I know. x

  2. Hi Jess, I found you through Helen's blog, and as I read your post something stirred up inside me.
    I found myself feeling indignant at this uninvited guest who is lying to you, making you doubt your worth.
    Jess, I have never met you, I know nothing about you, but i HAVE met that ugly lying uninvited guest. And I know what a cheat and a robber he is.
    Your living will annoy NOBODY but that liar.
    Your living WELL will hammer the nail in his coffin.
    You keep doing what you can to get through each day; be kind to yourself. Take pride in the small things you accomplish. Share them with us here. They are the little victories that will lead to the big wins over time.
    I am sending you a big hug right now... I hope that somehow this feeling I have inside me will communicate itself into your heart, even though you are a stranger to me, I have this feeling of anger at your Lying Intruder, and the conviction that you are valuable beyond words.
    Love from
    A Fellow Traveller

  3. Hi Jess, I too found your blog via Helen's. Thank you for sharing, I know it's mostly so you can record your own journey, but know that it's also really encouraging for others like myself to read - encouraging for me because I too am doing battle with the totally unwelcome guest known as PND.
    So keep writing, keep blogging out your thoughts, looking for and acknowledging the pockets of light when they happen.
    Know that you are not alone in this XX

  4. Thank you for reading and leaving such lovely comments. It brought tears to my eyes to know that what I say may actually be read by others who understand and care.

  5. Thank you for sharing your blog Jess. I. from monday coffee group :o)