Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Feeling blue

Over the weekend and last two days the kids have been still sick with coughs and runny noses not letting up. I must admit that the children's grumpiness has taken a toll on me. I have been feeling pretty exhausted having to meet the demands of troll children. I really doesn't take a lot anymore for me to find that I have turned blue again. I am trying to learn to catch it at blue and not let it progress to grey, or at worst, black.

But it truly is a struggle. I feel myself going blue and I'm not sure I have the energy to stop it. I find myself rolled up in a ball on the couch with a blanket, wishing that the world would just stop it's demands on me. I yell at the children for adding to my already piling list in my head. I then have to deal with the heart wrenching guilt that follows my attitude with the kids. When do I get to enjoy life again? It is so unfair to have my joy ripped from underneath me again. I though this would get easier, but it seems like every time it creeps back in again I beat myself up for not protecting myself better. My eyes feel like they are red-rimmed from crying, enough though I haven't been. I just feel completely disengaged from the world. I don't want to make everything about me, but I don't know how to focus myself elsewhere at the moment.

It hurts like a physical ache. My eyes hurt, my head whirls with pain, my tummy is doing constant flips. I just want things to be easier. I don't want to feel like hiding in my house, avoiding the world. But that is exactly what I find myself doing right now. Yesterday I didn't even argue when monkey #1 asked to stay home from school, as it meant I could quietly hide in my corner of my comfort - home. Everything and everyone irritates me at the moment. I don't understand why this all goes with depression? I feel like I am becoming a horrible grumpy old man who yells at people for stepping on my grass.

The self care is out the window. I am struggling to get the chores done again so that I don't have a weeks worth of washing and dishes piling up. All I want to do is sleep. Maybe this is my way of hiding from the real world and checking out of reality for a little while? I just want it to get better, to not feel this horrible empty feeling anymore, that drags me through blue to grey to black. How did I get to this point where my life is run on auto pilot? Where I feel no emotion for what is happening around me. All I want is a bit of sunshine now and then to remind me that the world can be a fun place to still be.


  1. Oh Jess, I am reading this with tears pouring down my cheeks. I know I dont know you personally, but I know the pain you are feeling...thank you for being so brave to share. Sending you hugs and hoping the sun starts shining for you again.

  2. I love your Honesty Jess, I truely hope things start to improve for you soon ! Sick kids certainly dont help. I wish I lived closer to be able to help you.
    Big hug.

  3. Hey Jess, read your blog yesterday...sorry that you are going through this...If you havent already Simoney (another mummy blogger) has been through a similar journey heres the link.

  4. Thanks for your comments of hope and support. It really helps and gets me thinking about the next post like the one I wrote today - things that make me smile