Over the weekend and last two days the kids have been still sick with coughs and runny noses not letting up. I must admit that the children's grumpiness has taken a toll on me. I have been feeling pretty exhausted having to meet the demands of troll children. I really doesn't take a lot anymore for me to find that I have turned blue again. I am trying to learn to catch it at blue and not let it progress to grey, or at worst, black.
But it truly is a struggle. I feel myself going blue and I'm not sure I have the energy to stop it. I find myself rolled up in a ball on the couch with a blanket, wishing that the world would just stop it's demands on me. I yell at the children for adding to my already piling list in my head. I then have to deal with the heart wrenching guilt that follows my attitude with the kids. When do I get to enjoy life again? It is so unfair to have my joy ripped from underneath me again. I though this would get easier, but it seems like every time it creeps back in again I beat myself up for not protecting myself better. My eyes feel like they are red-rimmed from crying, enough though I haven't been. I just feel completely disengaged from the world. I don't want to make everything about me, but I don't know how to focus myself elsewhere at the moment.
It hurts like a physical ache. My eyes hurt, my head whirls with pain, my tummy is doing constant flips. I just want things to be easier. I don't want to feel like hiding in my house, avoiding the world. But that is exactly what I find myself doing right now. Yesterday I didn't even argue when monkey #1 asked to stay home from school, as it meant I could quietly hide in my corner of my comfort - home. Everything and everyone irritates me at the moment. I don't understand why this all goes with depression? I feel like I am becoming a horrible grumpy old man who yells at people for stepping on my grass.
The self care is out the window. I am struggling to get the chores done again so that I don't have a weeks worth of washing and dishes piling up. All I want to do is sleep. Maybe this is my way of hiding from the real world and checking out of reality for a little while? I just want it to get better, to not feel this horrible empty feeling anymore, that drags me through blue to grey to black. How did I get to this point where my life is run on auto pilot? Where I feel no emotion for what is happening around me. All I want is a bit of sunshine now and then to remind me that the world can be a fun place to still be.