Thursday, September 2, 2010

The good, the bad and the ugly.

The good - Best friends who bring scrapbooking supplies over as a present and cheer up your grey day.

The other morning I arrived home after a hard morning that contained some difficult home truths. I was searching my brain all the way home as to how I would deal with the now every clear situation, when I pulled into my driveway to see a piece of scrapbook paper flying around. It was a really windy and I was wondering where on earth this paper had come from. And there on the step was a 12x12 box full of papers and stickers with a note to say it was a wee gift for me. That was the turning point of my day! Even though Helen is struggling with her own personal journey at the moment she still knows how to lift my spirit - with scrapping supplies.

The bad - The awful rain after a beautiful spring day yesterday, children with hacking coughs that make me cringe at night while I lie in bed listening to them, making the choice to change something that has too greater side effects but then having to deal with not having the usefulness of it and sick children who are completely unable to be reasoned with.

I recently made the decision to come off my evening medication which was effective for helping me sleep and stopping the continual whirlpool of thoughts that flood my brain when I try to settle in bed for the night. The down side is it has been making me feel extremely exhausted throughout the day where all I want to do is crawl into a ball and hibernate. So I came to the decision that, what was the point in getting a full nights sleep (the meds blank me out until about 3 am to the point where I have conversations with my husband or get out of bed for the cat, or toilet, or drink and don't remember it) when in fact I'm not 100% sure if I have been asleep for the amount of time I thought I had and still feeling exhausted in the morning due to side effects. So I stopped them two nights ago and I have found that I do wake during the night and sometimes have found it hard to drift back off but I am trying to use mindfulness instead. This is where I shut down my thinking and isolate something like a noise I can hear like my breathing or a clock ticking and concentrate on that mindful not to let my thought drift anywhere else. It is more effective than I thought it would be, but also is hard work to change what has been a life long pattern for me of racing thoughts. So good point is I'm not so tired during the day, but it is taking some effort and new methods to settle my mind.

The ugly - Monkey number 3 waking at 3 am the last few nights. We have been having such a good roll with him that it's hard to drag yourself out of bed again when I haven't had to for a few weeks now. So I let him try to resettle himself for 15 minutes or so, the whole time in which I lie there feeling compelled to go and pick him up and cuddle him. I know crying for a short time is useful to teach children self-soothing but it also pulls at my heart to know he wants or needs me and I am leaving him. This once again starts the downward spiral to the thoughts of the neglectful mother, uncaring, unloving, ugly, ugly, ugly thoughts. I hate how depression jumps on you when your half asleep and mentally unprepared for a fight. I hate the ugliness of 3 am and the thoughts that linger with this time of night. The mind is such a powerful tool and yet it lands us in these horrible situations and plays these nasty tricks on us. I know in reality that I am not damaging my child but am giving him a tool that we can both appreciate in the future - the ability to sleep and sleep well. But it doesn't mean that logic exists at 3 am, instead there is this ugly depression still hiding in the shadows waiting for me to be off guard enough to creep in.


  1. Jess, I really like your honesty. You, being able to share about this so openly, you are touching the lives of other people, and making a difference without maybe realising it. I wish I had the courage to share too.
    What a great friend you have to drop off scrapbooking supplies to cheer you up! it takes a great friend to see your need and know what can put a smile on your face. I had a friend like that in NZ, and miss her so much.
    i hope your children start to get better now its spring.. my youngest has been sick with a cough for three months and last night it reared its ugly head again... so back to the doctor for the hundreth time!
    Take care and thanks for your sharing.

  2. Aww, Jess! I'm glad I brightened your day up, and the pages you made with the supplies are gorgeous! I'm looking forward to our Scrapbooking Saturday this week. Good friends are hard to come by, and should be treasured and appreciated - I hope you know how much I treasure and appreciate you!

    Like you said, logic doesn't exist at 3am. Those ugly thoughts are so persistent aren't matter what you do they just can't be silenced easily. I struggle with them myself. But remember, God chose you to be the mother of these three monkeys for a reason, and you are a wonderful mama! If you ever need to talk, even at 3am, I am here. :)