I found myself back in the doctors office 2 weeks ago feeling that ever familiar drag of depression. I was back to the emotion state that was unable to control myself or bring myself to function. Of course the doctors first words were, "you came off your anti-depressants too soon and this is expected". Failed again! Was all that was going through my mind. So out of his office I walk, feeling defeated and with a script written for Effexor again. For two days I wrestled with the idea of taking the pills again. On one hand I remember the pain of getting off effexor and the sense of victory I felt after doing so (as I wrote about here) and on the other hand I had my doctor telling me that it was too soon, that I now fell into the category of relapse and should probably be prepared for a good stay with effexor. I let the enemy have some ground, I felt defeated and like I had failed God.
I began to try to remember good things about Effexor, it had worked quickly when I first started it and I also had the effect of decreasing my appetite, which meant I lost weight while on it - and I really wanted to fit back into the jeans I purchased while I was on Effexor. So two days later I started my dose of 37.5mg to slow wean back on. Amazingly throughout all the lies the enemy was throwing at me and telling me about myself, God never stopped speaking too. I just needed to learn to hear Him and only Him again.
Battles are won and victories are made but we still have to hold our ground. My past is my process which means it's not just one day going to all miraculously disappear, no matter how hard I wish it would. Over the past few weeks God has been talking to me through a Brooke Fraser song, although at the time I thought I was just enjoying my personal taste in music. It talks about a journey that I feel like I have been on lately but it also tells of how I need to position my heart through it all.
Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
toward a home land that I've never seen
I am changing:
less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when i began
made of different stuff than when i began
and i have sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day
[CHORUS]
when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
Theres distraction buzzing in my head
saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumours of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way
[CHORUS]
fast approaching is the day
[CHORUS]
when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
Theres distraction buzzing in my head
saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but I've heard rumours of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way
[CHORUS]
when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
You make all things new
[CHORUS]
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
You make all things new
[CHORUS]
when the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
[CHORUS 2]
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
I'll be found in you, still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
[CHORUS 2]
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
when time and space are through
I'll be found in you
Another thing that God showed me was that some times we just need to stop and camp.
I am on a journey up the mountain but that doesn't mean that it is always going to be easy. When you look at a physical climb of a mountain you hear of people having to camp down from the weather at times.
It was like God showed me it is ok to need to encamp.
I had thought that I was losing ground and that I had started a backwards stumble in the last few weeks but He showed me that sometimes we need to get out of the weather, hide away and refocus, but no ground has to be lost. I need to stand on the victories I have already won but I might also need to stop and remind myself of them and how I got there some days. I must make a shift in my heart position. Retreating is no longer an option, but that doesn't mean staying put isn't some times needed. As I gaze on God, it is Him who will help me to become impervious to the winds around me.
My prayer lately has been 'God let me see you everywhere and in everything, leave your markers and your trail in my life'. He then challenged me on being careful what I pray for because as I ask Him to be more present He requires me to look for Him more. As I began to open my spirit to His speaking it is amazing what you hear.
While reading Helen's blog a few days ago I found God speaking to me about the everyday routine of my life. How He wants to help me to dignify the mundane of the routine of being a housewife and mum. Helen spoke about looking for beauty in everyday things and how often we lose sight of this and get annoyed at the mundane-ness of our day to day life. In no way am I about to become a Buddhist, but that doesn't mean that when I am tuned into the frequencies of God that He can't speak to me through one.
So how do I dignify my mundane? I ask God to show me how to enjoy and see the beauty of the role He has called me to be in. I ask for His sight and His joy. I ask for His list of what is important for me today - not mine. It's a refocusing of my gaze from things that seem so boring and routine, to Him, the creator of it all. The one who has nothing but good planned for me.
While watching T.v. the other night God also gave me a real practical task to work on while I encamped for a few more days. I saw this ad and it's titled Only What you need - Yes it is a beer ad and I'm not saying that was what God was endorsing but more that when you search for Him you can find Him everywhere if you are listening.
At one point of the journey one of the men has to decide between taking his bug spray or beer to the the next stage with him, both to him served a purpose but he had to choose. God showed me that while I am encamped it is a good time to look at lightening the load and taking only what I need with me, but that sometimes this may be a hard choice as there might be things that both seem to be relevant and of good worth but there may come a point when I need to shed some stuff that I deem valid for the journey.
At the same time I came off Effexor in December 2010 I also decided not to have my Depo-Provera shot I was due for.
I really felt at the time that a large part of my depression had been linked to my hormones and that the Depo was not helping. So after discussing with the Hubby I came off and have been letting my body readjust to natural cycles. I knew this would take some time but it was until the other day that I realised since Feb when my menstrual cycle finally returned that I have had 6 or 7 periods! I had read that it takes some time to readjust the body and get the hormones back to the right levels so I had just put up with it.
But what I hadn't taken into account was the amount of hormone imbalance that was still going on not to mention the vitamins and minerals that I would be lacking in due to the frequency of my periods. They also had been lasting 10 - 14 days and heavy throughout. All this I thought normal to coming off the depo.
Then it was like God turned on a light and said maybe there are some valid reasons to your lack of energy, your emotions and the symptoms of depression. That was the answer I needed. I hadn't lost my victory but I had failed to ask for new answers from the One who gives it to me. I had symptoms of depression - not depression! And what do you know, symptoms of depression are caused by a wide range of things including Iron, vitamin B12, Zinc, Vitamin D deficiencies, which are also caused by heavy menstrual flows....
Hmmmm.....
That got me thinking and researching and praying and praying and praying. Thank you Lord for still speaking even when I used my own rational thinking, to be bullied by the enemy, back into anti-depressants.
At the moment I am on day 8 of a period after maybe 4 or 5 days between finishing a 14 day one. So yesterday I took myself down to the health store and got myself a bottle of 5HTP (which I used as a natural aternative to anti-d's when I decided to come off in December as it helps with the natural production of serotonin) and also came away with some iron tablets and progesterone drops, which are a homeopathic medicine, after speaking with the lady in store. She also gave me a hand out on iron and B12 which fit the symptoms I have been experiencing including why my skin is so different lately and why my nails are so brittle, not to mention the tiredness, headaches, weakness, fatigue, poor memory, mood swings, depression, etc, etc.
So all in all I must give the glory to the One who wont give up on me, even when I give up on myself.
I am also nearing the completion stages of Jaybugs knitted jacket and hope to have it finished by the end of the week. I also plan on a post in the next day or two about my adventures with crochet, the book I am excitedly awaiting the arrival of, and the biggest crochet confusion discovery I made the other night, where all things suddenly fell into place and made sense!
